reveriees
Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back. That’s part of what it means to be alive. But inside our heads - at least that’s where I imagine it - there’s a little room where we store those memories. A room like the stacks in this library. And to understand the workings of our own heart we have to keep on making new reference cards. We have to dust things off every once in awhile, let in fresh air, change the water in the flower vases. In other words, you’ll live forever in your own private library.
Haruki MurakamiKafka on the Shore (via vincecarters)

After a while…

It’s not about …

who had the last word 

who was at fault 

who wanted it more

who acted irrationally

who seemed weaker 

who gave up 

who had more right to be upset 

who was right or wrong 

who said things they didn’t mean 

who moved on first

who felt a certain way in that moment 

because… things change. Circumstances change. Feelings change. And most importantly, people change. People get over it, and they move on. There is no forever or permanence in human emotion. It’s never just black and white. It’s always going to be gray, and you’ll never know what will happen. 

Letting Go of Attachments

I am going to make this a life goal of mine. It is one of the hardest things to achieve, but I want to try to get there. I want to let go of every single attachment, whether it may be a significant other, family member, loved one, friend, etc. 

I want to ultimately become someone who is completely appreciative of life, seeing every connection in my life as a bonus or an addition that adds meaning and value to my life. I don’t want anyone to ever have a complete hold on my life, who can shatter me and make me feel like I can’t fully function as a happy human being. I am not talking about detachment here. I want to continue to build and strengthen my relationships with others, but I think this mindset allows me to fully cherish everyone and everything that this life has given me. It is about accepting the ebb and flow of life, the fact that people come and go. It is about being grateful. 

—————————

I think I have taken steps in this direction. A few months ago, when I felt vulnerable, my co worker told me he had interviewed for Google and they gave him an offer but retracted the offer because they couldn’t match his current salary. He said he was still interviewing with other companies and told me his green card situation. I immediately felt sad, and a rush of emotions overwhelmed me. He was my first Adap friend, and now I consider him one of my closest friends. He has been the most amazing support system for me at the company, and I can literally talk to him about anything and everything. We have been there for each other through our worst, and I didn’t want to lose him. I was completely thinking about myself. I thought about what was best for me and how this would impact my life, but I didn’t think about his well being at all. 

Now fast forward to a few days ago…

He randomly messaged me to talk and told me he wanted to share news with me. My intuition kicked in, and I knew something was up, so I immediately asked him if it was good or bad news. He dodged my question but seemed like he really needed to get it off his chest. He told me that I was the only person he was telling the news to until everything gets finalized. I met up with him, and that’s when he told me that he was leaving the company. Google contacted him again, and they gave him the offer and also matched his salary.

This time around, I didn’t feel sad. Instead, I felt very happy for him because I knew he always wanted to work for Google. He wasn’t meeting his full potential here at Adap, and I know he will be doing incredible things at Google. The company is also taking care of his greencard situation, which is extremely ideal since most companies aren’t willing to go through the hassle. I am completely supportive of his big decision just like how he’s been pushing me to pursue my own passion. I will surely miss him, my wise and silly friend, but I know we will remain in each other’s lives. 

I have made progress in terms of reaching this lifelong goal, and I hope this becomes an upward trend. 

Connections Part 2 

Life has been so good to me lately, and I’ve been feeling this incredible high on life for a solid month + now. I think this high point in my life is due to me pursuing my passion, appreciating the little things in life, having amazing and deep conversations with strangers, new friends, and good friends about life and our passions, living in the moment, taking risks, going to the gym 3-4 times a week, and most importantly, focusing on myself. I shall dedicate a post to this when I feel less lazy. 

But let’s go back to the subject of this post — connections. Today was my freshman floor-mate’s birthday, and I was invited to a special reserved dinner at Angeline’s by her boyfriend. I haven’t seen her for a good 2-3 years, and we almost never talk. I randomly messaged her about 2 weeks ago, and that’s when her boyfriend added me on facebook and invited me to this event. Arriving at Angeline’s, I expected a large gathering of all her favorite people, but to my surprise, it was only her boyfriend, her boss from Freshman year, her, and me. It turned out to be a fantastic meal, and the intimacy of the night was spot on. 

She and I got to talk about our passions and catch up with our lives. I’ve always been quite fond of her since freshman year, and I knew she was going to do big things. She had so much passion, and there was always a spark in her eyes. Maybe that’s why we got along so well. I am so incredibly proud of all that she has achieved thus far, and when she told me tonight that her passion is to start a non-profit to help incarcerated folks get back into society, my heart leaped forward and all I could say was “HELL YEAH GURRRRRL!!” YAASSS, we need people like her, and her boyfriend is amazing too. He wants to go back to school and then dedicate his life to fight for Indigenous rights. Her boss is so cool too. He’s been a teacher for 15 years and now he teaches teachers how to become more effective math teachers. I get so pumped when people share with me their passions of how they’d like to change the world and help others. Honestly, it’s what I live for. 

When the topic became me and the big career move I’m making with my life, she told me that she knew this was going to happen. She vividly remembered the conversation we had during my freshman year when I was still applying for B school and the fear I had of becoming “one of them” and forgetting my roots. 

Her and her bf have complete faith in me. Let’s hope they’re right. I rarely place all my eggs in one basket, but this is a basket that I’m willing to take a risk for. I haven’t wanted something so badly for so long, and I’m going in with 110% and giving it my all. I look forward to an exciting and rough 2 months ahead of me. Whether I get it or not, I’m not giving up without a fight. 

The universe might be trying to tell me something… maybe.

I had the most amazing Sunday yesterday!

I was planning to have a lazy Sunday dedicated to working on my essays and apps, but since my friends were going to do work at a cafe that’s run by queer folks in Oakland, I couldn’t help but tag along. When I arrived, I noticed my friends sat next to this super cute girl. As I’m working on my essays, I peer over and notice that the cute girl was grading papers while wearing over-the-ear headphones. I was really curious to know if she was a teacher. Also, I just really wanted to start a conversation with her, but I couldn’t since my friend sat between us. When my friend left to run some errands, I found the courage to say hi to her. 

She happened to be a biology teacher in Oakland and doing the program that I’m applying for! We had such a great conversation. She gave me her contact info as well as some strong buzz words to plug into my essays. 

The electricity went out at the cafe, so we had to switch locations. My friends and I moved to another cafe in Oakland. Half an hour later, the same girl walks into the cafe. 

She told me her friend who’s an alum of the program was doing work at the cafe as well and said I could come on over and have a conversation with her if I wanted. Next thing I knew, these two ladies in this table right next to my friends and I overheard our conversation and told us they were alums too!!! We all ended up having wonderful conversation!!! I got to hear about their experiences and all the cool things they’re doing now.

Then a group walked past the cafe, and the two ladies happened to know them. The huge group turned out to be teachers who also started out with the program! 

Ahhhh….. I am just very happy and touched. I told these alum that this whole process of applying has been incredibly healing and humbling for me, and I hope to meet more beautiful people like them.  I wish to be a part of this amazing network of folks who are passionate, supportive, and social justice-oriented. 

Yaasssss… I am so pumped! Submitting the apps this Friday, and then it’s time to get down to it! Wish me luck!!! :D

The Strip Club

Wow, what a night!

I went to SJ to celebrate A and K’s birthdays (ze couple). The plan was to grab grub and then head across the street to the strip club, aka where K works. 

Since the strip club is alcohol-free because the girls get naked, A, S, and I went to Bevmo, bought 2 bottles of Unruly cab and drank it in a classy way in the back of S’s VW. Then it was time to hit the strip club, woot. We bypassed the $20 cover charge, and right when I walked in, I walked in a determined way to the restroom without doing a quick scan of the room. I felt someone’s eyes on me, but I walked past her, not really thinking twice. 

We grabbed seats that gave us a good view and waited for the show to commence. That’s when I turned my head to the left and realized that one of the strippers looked extremely familiar. I took a double take, and I think our eyes did lock for a quick second. I frantically turn to my friends and ask, “Should I say hi or pretend I don’t recognize her?” Of course, my friends being enablers pushed me to try to talk to her, but I didn’t take my chance. And when she went up stage and started stripping, I pretty much couldn’t get myself to talk to her, so awkward avoidance throughout the entire night. Not to mention, this was a small room, so there were many occasions where she was literally right next to me. So awkward! 

Despite the awkwardness, it was a great night. I have a fave stripper named Dorian who is good friends with K, and I got quite a lot of love that night. ;) There was a point when she made me stand up and was like “there’s no one who likes titties more than you” loooool. I won’t say what happened next, but I told her as I got closer “I’m just very shy.” Oh me, but it’s true. I was. I still think the entire act is not consensual. These women are here to make a living, and I’m here to just admire their bodies and movements, but I refuse to see them as objects or as anything less than human. 

But omg, Dorian and K work together to get tips, so whenever either of them gets on stage, there’s a lot of girl on girl action. Like everything you can imagine…. and that drained my pockets. When it came to K’s 3rd time, they brought out cupcakes to celebrate her birthday and each stripper came out and gave her a lap dance. Then it just turned into this crazy orgy on stage. 

Last thing, this Asian guy in his early 20s did a double take on me and said “how you doing?” Seriously, are you kidding me!?!?! I guess I still pass as straight. Sigh, my friends were cracking up so hard. 

All in all, it was a good night filled with good company, good vibes, and a ton of laughter. 

Full Circle

I honestly think I cry more happy tears than I do sad tears. Today was another one of those days in which I balled my eyes like a baby and got a little too emotional. 

Here are the exact moments: 

1. I’m applying for this program, and I need letters of rec. Originally, I wanted to ask S for a recommendation mainly bc she has been there for me throughout high school and parts of college. I have so much love for this woman. She was like my mom in my second family away from home. I know she would be an amazing recommender, but then D kept telling me to ask K instead since he’s super articulate. K .. now that guy.. I have never respected a man this much. There’s just something about him that commands your full attention. I swear everyone at College Track feared him at one point, but at the same time, he was one of the most real and dopest individuals ever. If he ever gave you praise, you knew very well he meant it. I swear his kind words have brought me to tears many times in the past.

Before I made my decision to apply for this program, I tried to contact K via Linkedin to ask him about whether I should pursue a Master’s in Education Policy, but he never got back to me. I also didn’t have his number or email address. And I yearned to talk to him because this man has dedicated his entire life to education, and he has taken up positions that I would love to have one day. Anyway, I pretty much gave up hope trying to contact him. D recently told me he had his number, but his old phone got washed up, and he hasn’t been able to get it to work. But today, he told me he was able to turn it on and gave me K’s number.  I don’t know what went over me, but I burst into tears. 

I think it was the idea of everything going full circle. It’s such a beautiful process. When K first interviewed me and right before he left CT, he told me he saw so much potential and passion in me. I will never forget those words. I know he will be so proud of me when I tell him I plan to dedicate my life to education. 

2. I’ve been reaching out to so many people who have done the program, and I am so grateful for every story that has been shared with me. I am so happy that people are willing to be vulnerable and honest with me, give up their time to tell me the good and bad about their experiences, and share with me how the experience has completely changed their lives. The application hasn’t even officially come out yet, and it’s already been such a wonderful and beautiful process. I have been touched on so many levels by all of this, and I feel extremely fortunate that so many people are willing to help me. 

The cycle of giving back is so beautiful. These moments are so beautiful. Life is so beautiful.